If you could allow me to say something

I was surprised when I learned about the outcome of my evaluation. No wonder my friends approached me with such concern. I thought they were just kidding. It turned out that his response of the way I do my job was not impressive at all. It was something else.

I should go straight to the point.

Yesterday the college dean observed my class. I was not aware at that time that he was there. Buti na lang, a student informed me that he was in the class to observe. Not being all-too-conscious, I did my work. Since I informed my students last meeting that everyone will be computing his/her grades that day, I continued with our dynamics. (I always allow my students to compute their grades so that they can verify if my computation is correct. And before they compute, I make sure that I am done doing it first. It is my way of showing transparency in the class, that I am not just guessing their grades.) I have no intention to impress the one observing at all. I told myself that I would do what is supposed to be scheduled in our class. Then, the student informed me that the dean was asking if I would be giving a lecture. I approached and told him that we were scheduled to make computations that day and after that, we could have a short discussion. He asked for how long it would take. I answered that in minutes but not now because they are still computing. He was about to leave the room when I asked if he'd be coming back to observe me with my lecture and he said yes. He did not.

After my classes, I went back to our department. Then I started hearing things.

Little did I know that what I did was wrong. According to my colleagues, the dean called our chairperson. He told her that (I am paraphrasing) as if I dismissed him in the class. As if I was commanding him what he should do. That I should not allow my students to compute their grades because it was part of my job. I've heard also that the dean was angry over the phone. I don't know if he was furiously mad. But from the way people retold the incidence, probably he was.

Then commotion came.

People was asking, "anong nangyari?" I was wondering why people reacted in this way. What happened? May nagawa ba akong mali? I was perplexed by their reactions. I was NOT COMPLETELY AWARE about what came about. Sana man lang, someone who has the proper knowledge would inform me about what was happening. But no one did. Not one. Not even a confirmation from me about what truly happened on that day. All I learned about were reactions. Yun lang.

This made me sad.

Call me idealistic but I am. I do my best to connect with my students. To know them and to inspire them. To make them realize that not all teachers are doomed to be eaten by the system. I do my job with all my God-given skills and time. I always say to my class that I believe in leadership by example. I will not demand for something which I do not have. I demand them to know the prayer that is why I memorized it. I demand them to study well in our subject, and I do it also. I demand that they should come to my class on time, and I do my best to never come late. I am not bragging but I always do my best to live up to my words. I really do.

It disappoints me to know that all my efforts will not pay off. That someone will just dish out my approach as something negative. And I was not given a chance to voice out my version. Lest to inform me about everything.

How will I gain respect if I don't give it first? How will I demand for excellence if I don't do it first? How will I see professionalism if I won't be the one to lead?

It saddens me. All efforts are gone to waste. If only people would know the truth. But who cares, I know I am not guilty of any wrongdoing. If given a last choice, I would rather depart from the system than to deal with it.